Sometimes I get tired of being an autism mom. There, I said it. I've often written about the ways in which having a child with special needs makes you more patient, more kind and grateful in ways typical parents never learn and that's all true. But... there are days when I think, "Lord, I think I've learned all the ways of being a better person that I want to learn for now. Can I have some time off?"
My middle son came home this week and asked to be moved out of special education. I knew this day would come as it came with our older son. He's beginning to notice that other kids don't get as much support in school, they don't have IEPs and parapros. He wants to be typical and it kills me that I can't give that to him. Truthfully, he still has meltdowns and constantly needs redirected to complete a task. I believe that one day he will not need special ed but he's going to have to act a lot less special at school for that to happen. That day didn't come for Kiddo #1 until 12th grade and I don't know when it will happen for him.
In less than two weeks, we are moving to a different part of the country. As if that does not take enough planning and work, when you have a kid with an IEP (Individualized Education Plan), it's not a walk in the park. You can't just walk into the new school and say, "Hey, we're here! Sign us up." I guess you could do that if you really wanted to freak out the administration at the new school but I want them to like us. There are records to be obtained and sent ahead of your arrival. Introductions to be made. Testing you need to make sure is up to date. Today I spent time updating a tri-fold brochure about my son that I hand out to all the new teachers and support staff who will be working with him that highlights all the great things about my son and prepares them for areas where he needs support. I do this because my son is more than a big tangled ball of special needs. I want them to see how he is a person first and someone with autism second.
Maybe I need to make one of those brochures for myself because there is nothing more true about me than I have special needs too. There are great things about me and areas where I need some support. I could hand them out to the PTA parents whom I'm going to meet and the lady who will be next to me on the elliptical at the gym wondering why I'm going so slow. My brochure would let them know that before I was an autism mom, I was just a young woman who loved coffee and poetry and big words. I had all these big dreams and plans to conquer the world in my Toast of New York lipstick. Then my real life happened and I had to make a lot of adjustments. Maybe that happened to you too.
Right now, I am just tired. My heart is hurting for the life my kid wants but doesn't have. I am grieving a little for the life I wanted but didn't get. I'm not feeling sorry for myself but I need to say that I am getting some spiritual stretch marks. I have exceeded my capacity for growth for the moment. Tomorrow I will put on my big girl underwear and do what I have to do but right now I need to acknowledge that this is a hard damn life. So I am going to make a new rule. In the small fragile hours of early morning before the rest of my family wakes up and it's just me and the cat, I'm not going to be an autism mom. All that stuff, I'm just going to put it down for a couple of hours. I'm going to be a woman who loves coffee and poetry and big words with big dreams and plans to conquer the world in Angel Red lipstick.
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